I spent years chasing the American dream. I had the kids, wife, 2 cars a nice home and a great job in advertising. I was living the dream, but I was absolutely and completely miserable. I had moved up that corporate ladder from agency to agency and at one point I was a partner and a VP. I just couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy.
I enjoyed the work, or at least I thought I did. I kept telling myself that once I got to point b from point a, I would be happy. Then one day I made it to that title only to find there was still no joy in my life. I spent years after that moving, attempting to leave the business for good and moved from one agency to another, for a while I worked as a Creative Director at an internationally distributed lifestyle magazine and eventually discovered there was nothing left in the industry for me but resentment and an ever deepening depression.
In my youth I had spent much time studying many different disciplines from Anthropology and Mythology to spirituality and had always found them to be rewarding. However, as I had spent most of my adult life in a self induced corporate claustrophobia I lost touch with who I was at my core. I had completely lost touch with my sense of self and had no idea how to find joy in my life. Happiness seemed to be some far off concept that I would never attain. My life began to unfurl, I fell into a divorce, followed by a nervous breakdown and a few years of searching for something to fulfill this void that was deepening in my soul.
Then, one day, quite suddenly and without warning I quit. I walked away and went to live in a commune in the wilderness. I had to find out who I was and why I was here. I needed purpose… so I disappeared. I was so disillusioned that I decided to turn my back on society, and my sense of self. I needed seclusion. I spent a winter in a 14ft Geodesic, plywood dome with no electricity and a wood burning stove for heat. I had to chop my own firewood, and earned my keep by helping build homes on the property for others who were staying on there. I spent my time hiking and meditating on top of a crescent shaped mountain of quartz and amethyst that looked out over the Daniel Boon National forest. There were always eagles hovering on the prevailing winds where I found peace for the first time years.
So I wrote a book, and the process purged my soul of the negativity that had lead me to abandon my life in favor of a new path, all the while hoping for a brightening tomorrow. I discovered that I had been trying to live up to the expectations of others; that there is more to life than the pursuit of the illusion of success and began a trek down a path of self-discovery. This led me ultimately to a path of discovering that place of inner peace within. But it was a long journey. Climbing the mountain was just a starting point.
When I returned I was not looking forward to rejoining that rat race so I found a job that was far removed from my previous ‘comfort zone’ and I spent my time relearning who I was and reconnecting with the ‘me’ that was there before I started down the road to the sea of misery in which I had found myself drowning.
I had freed myself from the constraints of living up to other peoples expectations and found many gurus along the way. I began reading again I began to grow for the first time in years. I found myself with a renewed desire, though I was not sure what that desire was. So I followed my intuition. I followed my ‘me’ for a change and began to dive back into the realms of mysticism.
Something had awakened in me through that journey; much like the avatars throughout history I discovered that I was the source of my own inner light. That I was responsible for my path and I could not blame nor congratulate anyone but myself for my ‘success’ or ‘failures.’ I discovered that I AM the master of my own destiny and I AM a divine creation. I realized that I was not allowing myself to be who I AM.